YOUR MONTHLY HOROSCOPE -
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Fright Night is nearly upon us and all those ghosts and ghouls will soon be knocking at your door. You know what they want - CANDY. Of course, they won't have any candy if you eat it all again like last year. You remember last year. They thanked you with long streams of toilet paper.
Okay, so that was fun to chew, but still...leave some candy for the kids this year.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This month, as the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer, you may feel a shiver of fear when you step outside into the darkness. No, wait. That's a shiver of cold. Oh, well. Guess now you won't whine when your human puts you in a puppy sweater.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Life may seem a bit overbearing this month, but just hang in there! There is always a silver lining. Unless you chewed it off. Like the pockets you chewed off your human's pants. On the bright side, now the treats she puts in those pockets fall right to the floor so you can eat them before she notices. So there's still a silver lining - even when you chew it off!
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
A little hard work never killed anyone. Or so they say. But they're not the ones who will be busy this month fetching slippers, barking on command, and balancing treats on their noses. You mean you don't do those things? Oh, well. You know what they say - All work and no play makes Jack a dull dog.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Trouble seems to plague you this month. It seems you just can't get anything right and you can't seem to be able to please anyone. But remember, this too shall pass. It may pass quicker though if you spit out that slipper you're eating and stop peeing behind the couch. Bad enough trouble follows you, but you don't need to walk paw in paw with it.
Life is all about making the best of whatever situation you're in. As they say, When in Rome, do like the Romans do. When you're tangled in your human's sheets, dress like the Romans do. Pretend it's a toga and go out trick-or-treating. Bet you score tons of candy, too!
Leo (July 23 - August 21)
This month you will have a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders. Of course, what did you expect when you stuck your head in that jack o' lantern? Silly dog.
Virgo (August 22 - September 23)
Courage may not come easy to you this month, but you must muster as much as you can. It is your sworn duty as a canine to protect your home and human. No spooky, scary skeleton is going to threaten your loved ones! ....even if it is taped to the window....
Libra (September 24 - October 23)
October will provide a great opportunity to get started on all those projects that have been piling up. After all, you got to get that flowerbed dug up before the ground freezes. And your human will be so proud. Okay, they won't be really. But it's self-satisfaction that matters most, right?
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of the Halloween season. But try not to get carried away with festivities, especially tricks-or-treats. Learn from your mistake from last year. All that candy. Eating piece after piece so fast you didn't even remove the wrappers first. Oh well. The yard was decorated with Halloween wrappers after that.... But still. Let's try not to have a repeat of that incident, shall we?
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
You are dripping with charisma this month! Or is that
beef gravy? Either way, you can't go wrong!
Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
Your patience will be tested this month. It's understandable. Being paraded around in multiple embarrassing costumes while your human takes pictures is enough to test anyone. But try to grin and bear it and not do anything rash. Growling and trying to chew off your costume may forfeit some of those yummy treats your human prepared. So as your human swaps the hotdog costume for the pumpkin costume, just keep thinking about those treats.
This month's lucky number is "The Addams Family" by Vic Mizzy. Madame Midge has spoken. Do not question her.